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Thoughts of Life and Death
copyright © 1996 by Timothy Allen Roach
Two more children killed themselves today. I say children, one was a young lady 19 and was doing very well with her modeling career. The other was a young man, a student, 16. Both decided to end their lives for very different reasons.
I guess in many ways I was lucky. Even though, I grew up in a house where it was ... for lack of a nicer way to put it ... very unclear if it was safer on the streets or at home.
From as far back as I can remember, I was always 'fighting' to stay alive from parents, gangs or just bullies. Simply staying alive seemed to become my way to 'spite' everyone. I guess it just became a habit.
Another habit was never trusting anyone. I never knew what trivial statement, could come back to 'hurt' me later.
If you have not been through the abuse, it is impossible to understand the mental 'games' that go along with the physical abuse. And how they (the abusers and your own fears) 'play' with your mind. Especially with no one to talk to.
Somehow, I managed to survive those years.
People say to just forget it, drop it, or leave it in the past, but nearly 20 years of 'programming' and pain are very hard to forget.
I got out as young as I could, started working and was doing well for myself. Until I was 33, then I had a stoke. A piece of the carotid artery wall broke lose, not a blood clot. Nothing that could have been prevented; nothing that could have been foretold.
Amazing how fast what was starting to look like a good future can change. By the grace of God I lived. At first glance, one would never know I had a stroke.
Being out of work for almost a year, the savings is almost gone. Employers not wanting to hire a person with a 'Medical Condition' (Illegal Granted, but try to prove it. Remember: lawyers cost money). Things are looking really dark, with no where to turn.
Sometimes ... I wonder, is it really worth going on.
I remember a very old poem:
Life is a Gem, some seem to be greater than others, but ALL are unique and have great value.
Sometimes in the darkness one can hear the calls of a better life; a chance to trade our gem for a better one.
But are the calls echoes of the Music from within the Gates of Heaven or the Moans of Tortured Souls?
Alas, one can never know for sure until one steps through the door. And after stepping through it is to late to turn back.
If life is a Gem, an item of great value. Why would anyone willingly trade a very valuable gem, no matter how bad it looks, for what could be nothing more than a worthless empty box?
I do not know what the future holds. None of us do.
Sometimes there are just no good, simple or easy answers; Only the long, hard and difficult ones.
But if life is that bad now ... can staying alive ... and trying a different direction really make it worse?
Remember my friend, it took time to get in this mess, it will likely take a long time to get out.
Only a few will understand this story. Those of you that do, I am sorry, for it means you have likely gone, or are going, through much pain in your life. Just remember, you are not alone.
Take Care & Stay Well,
Tim
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